Through The Lense of Aging

One of the exercises I like to do with adult kids who are navigating life with aging parents is to give them a different vantage point. I ask them to imagine the situation from their parent’s perspective and see things through another lens. The short version goes something like this. 

If you can, picture struggling with your own frailty that you desperately don’t want anyone to know about, let alone talk about, especially with your kids. The same kids whose diapers you changed and who you watched learn to walk. The same kids who you raised with every ounce of your wisdom, patience, and sanity. The same kids who throughout their entire lives have asked you how to do everything. The same kids who you fashioned into responsible functioning adults. The fruit of your loins who you looked at with all the love and adoration possible, only now they have somehow turned into entirely different people. They have turned into private investigators who only look like your children. 

If it were any other private investigator, you might opt not to open the door. You might chase them down the driveway shaking your fist and yelling “Get the hell out of here before I call the cops!” But, not with these people. They bribe you with other people called grandchildren and before you know it, they have come inside because you have invited them there because you desperately want to see the small people.

Then, the trouble starts. They barely take their coats off before they begin to commit unspeakable and insulting acts right in front of you like you’re not even there. They check all the expiration dates on your salad dressings and condiments. God help you if there’s more than one of them. They exchange looks of stern disapproval and promptly begin to throw away your groceries. They do all of this under the guise of “being helpful.”

They ask you about your pills and look through your medicine cabinet. More things go into the garbage. Nobody asks you for your opinion. “Sit down, Mom” they say. “We can handle this. We are here to help.” In the history of your entire life up until this very moment, nothing has ever felt less helpful. They simultaneously interrogate you about everything from your eating habits to your bowel movements and what that spot is on your hand. They show no respect. No respect for you, for the full life you have lived, or the life you have given them.

Mercifully, the visit eventually ends. They take the small people and retreat to their homes, jobs, and lives. You dig some of the things out of the garbage and put them back where they belong. You sit down and try to collect yourself. How do you feel in this moment? 

I don’t do this exercise to make anyone feel badly. I do this exercise to increase awareness and sensitivity. I have worked with hundreds of families and thousands of elderly people in my career and this is a common scenario that I have seen from every angle. We all have a superpower. One of mine happens to be helping families navigate aging in a way that feels empowering, respectful and above all else, full of love and kindness. If you need me, this is the work of my heart and I’m always ready to help. XOXOXO